May 28th 39 today

Today should have been happy. A birthday should be a celebration. I put on a happy face, I did my part to be the "happy" person who is moving forward.

I'm not.

Why is this getting harder and harder, why do I find myself waking up in the middle of the night calling Wally's name? Why is it so hard to look at his pictures NOW?

I told myself the day after he died that I would not kill myself over regrets or things I couldn't change.

I do!

I want to be able to look at him and say "I know neither of us meant the things we said to each other in the heat of a fight" I want to say 'I LOVE YOU" I want him to tell me he loves me.

It is tearing me apart that I cant say any of that to him.

I want to go back and make him more comfortable in his times of pain. I wish I was able to have quite my job and be with him all the time. I'm so angry that I didn't have that option.

I don't know how much more I can take.

**Warning, full on truth and hard core feelings ahead**


Can you please tell me how the fuck I am suppose to keep doing this?????
Living THIS life?
Today was the guilt.
Why did I say that? Cry
Why did he say that? Cry
I didn't mean it! Cry
I hope he didn't mean it! Cry

Why is it so easy for people to lean on me instead of stand on their own?
I need my space, my home for my kids and I to somehow connect but the wedge and stress is forever present these days.

Where the fuck is my backbone?

How am I ever going to get us moved, all alone, with out the help and support of my husband?
He did SO much for us. Cry.

I'm so sick of crying - how the fuck do I keep on keeping on?????????????????

Facebook

I have been off facebook for a week, it feels good ......
People over estimate how much others give a shit ........

I remember .... Where was I??

One of the many things my mind plays over and over like a movie in my head is the day of the funeral. I can not explain that day, I do not know where I was (mentally). I have so many regrets. I didn't let myself be in the moment. I didn't let myself feel ANY emotions.

I don't remember making eye contact with anyone, I just remember shaking my head and thanking people and more bothersome to my memory is I remember smiling. I am not sure why but my need to make sure everyone else was "happy" kicked it. Nerves? Brain fog? Depression? Amazing acting skills? Who knows but that's what I did. I did not want to be comforted or consoled because I just do not know how to react to that.

I know people filled the room, they talked and spent time looking at all the picture boards that were displayed.
Then the time came for the funeral director to say some words.
I listened, biting my tongue, as he spoke words I admittedly requested he not use out of respect for Wally.

Then he asked if anyone wanted to speak. No one moved, not because there was nothing to say, everyone has a Wally story.
I remember standing up, walking to the podium, I remember my feet felt like bricks and that is all I remember. I don't know if I was looking down but I don't remember seeing anyone in the room while I spoke. I have no idea what I said up there. Not a word.
I am sure what ever it was it didn't reveal the depth of pain, hurt and anger I was feeling.
I will never be able to explain my gratitude to Wally's friend John Carter for stepping up that day. I really do not remember what he said either but I do remember thinking when John walked up and started talking "thank you for not letting this day end without someone sharing a memory of Wally

Then it just gets worse (the memory or lack of). Everyone went to a "gathering" to talk, eat and unwind. Wally's sister and some people from her church cooked and organized this and I am thankful to these people, most who did not know Wally or myself. There was no way I would have been able to pull that off.

The part I remember about the gathering is being 100% oblivious to why we were all there. A remember being a jerk to my son (not intentionally but my sarcasm is not always well timed) I remember talking like nothing was wrong. Keeping the smile going, the nothings ever going to break me attitude.

These certainly are not all the regrets I live with every day,just a small percent.

I suppose being out-of-sorts was just a defense mechanism. Had I shown how every night, behind closed doors while I am crying myself to sleep. Shown how every morning when I wake up I have to remind myself that Wally is gone. And had I shown how tight I hold every single little memory that I have, the good the bad and the neutral no one would have know what to say.

My advice for the day live in the moment no matter what that moment is! Regrets are harder than tears.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I truly hate change. I have always had a hard time making any big decisions because of this.

My decision making skills seem to be less than perfect these days.
I have so many things to think about and just when I think I have made a decision I look up and no one is there to say "ya babe I think that is a good idea" or "hell no, what are you thinking?"
So, I end up stuck, dead right there in my tracks and everything stays the same.
I cant keep living "the same" - things are different.

Should I? seems to be the question of the hour, should I move? Should I get a different car because this one is too much for me to afford? Should I keep going to school, Should I sell Wally's truck? Should I make pizza or fucking steak??????????????????

The truth is the answer to any and all questions is irrelevant because no one gives a shit about the answer. Just me.

Part of the decisions that have been the biggest to make (and have yet to be made) are what to do with Wally's things. His clothes still hang in the closet and his tools still in the garage.
His truck sits outside, on the side of the house just as he left it.

I think Dustin and I have finally come to an agreement about the truck. I had no plans of selling it and the day I do will be a sad day. That truck was part of Wally in a way that I can never understand. Unfortunately I will be listing it for sale to pay of the rest of the rest of Wally's headstone. My feelings on this are bitter and I will leave it at that. Period.
The rest of his things will remain in tact for now. One day at a time, right??

That wraps up this fun filled post, next one will be all about my depression wooo-hoooo! Should be a blast, who's bringing the balloons to that party???

So much to say no one to say it to

So the title says it all. I have volumes to say but not a sole who cares to hear it, hear the truth, the honest hard cold truth deep in my thoughts. Posting on facebook is just a bad idea, people get sick of hearing the "woe-is-me" but when your mind, heart and every fiber in your body is so stuck in that place its hard to not SAY it, scream it from the roof tops.

A patient of ours at work, who has been coming to therapy since Wally was sick has returned and was nothing short of shocked when she asked how he was and I said THOSE word. They are words I am still not use to saying, I still do not even know what words to use. Did Wally pass-away, did he die, is he no longer with us .... every one of these sound like I am speaking a different language - they make no sense and the meaning behind them do not reflect the pain of saying them.

So this patient also lost her husband, it has been 6 or so years for her but her eyes told me that when I said Wally passed away she was hearing those words again in a way no one will ever understand unless they have been there themselves.

The next day she brought me in a book, living when a loved one dies by Earl Grollman. She also included a journal and a very nice personal note.
I have to admit, I thought WOW, that was very nice of her BUT the book stayed neatly in the bag she brought it in and sat on my table for a week or more.
It was time to clean up some stuff around the house and the bag sitting there was "in the way" I took out the book with intentions of sticking it in a drawer but instead I opened it and read the first page. Then the second. Then the third and so on till I made it to the middle. At that point I had to stop reading, my eyes were red, swollen and soaked in tears. Every single word on every single page was what I am thinking and feeling but couldn't seem to verbalize.

One of the parts that struck me hard was when it said "you speak of the person you lost in the present tense". I didn't realize this was wrong, I do it ALL the time!! The next few days that followed I caught myself doing it a lot. If this is wrong, then it is what it is - I don't see myself not doing it for a very long time.

The feeling;s above are strong and hard, I cant stop them nor do I want to. That does not mean that mingled in with those feelings I don't have lots of others. Ones that PISS ME OFF - ones that make me want so badly for someone to make me feel wanted, needed and valuable.

This is not smart, I understand I have so much going on in my world that adding anything more then simplicity to my life is a bad idea but the truth is I don't know how much loneliness I can stand.

More to come from my messed up heart and mind soon, I hope .....

Starting over in more ways than one

Fresh clean blog, but not a fresh clean life. Since Wally died on October 20th 2011 (just a short 4 months ago) it feels like I have been living a life that I have no control over. I have no control over the time, the details or the destination of every day that passes by.
I had no idea how much I depended on Wally, we lived such separate lives, the years had taken its toll on us. I thought we did not need each other anymore. I now know that was the furthest thing from the truth.
I needed Wally and I still do.
I really just do not think I can keep going. I have tried every distraction, grief meetings, sleeping, meds, even "dating" (worst idea ever), none of these things can do what it is I really want, BRING WALLY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!