I remember .... Where was I??

One of the many things my mind plays over and over like a movie in my head is the day of the funeral. I can not explain that day, I do not know where I was (mentally). I have so many regrets. I didn't let myself be in the moment. I didn't let myself feel ANY emotions.

I don't remember making eye contact with anyone, I just remember shaking my head and thanking people and more bothersome to my memory is I remember smiling. I am not sure why but my need to make sure everyone else was "happy" kicked it. Nerves? Brain fog? Depression? Amazing acting skills? Who knows but that's what I did. I did not want to be comforted or consoled because I just do not know how to react to that.

I know people filled the room, they talked and spent time looking at all the picture boards that were displayed.
Then the time came for the funeral director to say some words.
I listened, biting my tongue, as he spoke words I admittedly requested he not use out of respect for Wally.

Then he asked if anyone wanted to speak. No one moved, not because there was nothing to say, everyone has a Wally story.
I remember standing up, walking to the podium, I remember my feet felt like bricks and that is all I remember. I don't know if I was looking down but I don't remember seeing anyone in the room while I spoke. I have no idea what I said up there. Not a word.
I am sure what ever it was it didn't reveal the depth of pain, hurt and anger I was feeling.
I will never be able to explain my gratitude to Wally's friend John Carter for stepping up that day. I really do not remember what he said either but I do remember thinking when John walked up and started talking "thank you for not letting this day end without someone sharing a memory of Wally

Then it just gets worse (the memory or lack of). Everyone went to a "gathering" to talk, eat and unwind. Wally's sister and some people from her church cooked and organized this and I am thankful to these people, most who did not know Wally or myself. There was no way I would have been able to pull that off.

The part I remember about the gathering is being 100% oblivious to why we were all there. A remember being a jerk to my son (not intentionally but my sarcasm is not always well timed) I remember talking like nothing was wrong. Keeping the smile going, the nothings ever going to break me attitude.

These certainly are not all the regrets I live with every day,just a small percent.

I suppose being out-of-sorts was just a defense mechanism. Had I shown how every night, behind closed doors while I am crying myself to sleep. Shown how every morning when I wake up I have to remind myself that Wally is gone. And had I shown how tight I hold every single little memory that I have, the good the bad and the neutral no one would have know what to say.

My advice for the day live in the moment no matter what that moment is! Regrets are harder than tears.