So much to say no one to say it to

So the title says it all. I have volumes to say but not a sole who cares to hear it, hear the truth, the honest hard cold truth deep in my thoughts. Posting on facebook is just a bad idea, people get sick of hearing the "woe-is-me" but when your mind, heart and every fiber in your body is so stuck in that place its hard to not SAY it, scream it from the roof tops.

A patient of ours at work, who has been coming to therapy since Wally was sick has returned and was nothing short of shocked when she asked how he was and I said THOSE word. They are words I am still not use to saying, I still do not even know what words to use. Did Wally pass-away, did he die, is he no longer with us .... every one of these sound like I am speaking a different language - they make no sense and the meaning behind them do not reflect the pain of saying them.

So this patient also lost her husband, it has been 6 or so years for her but her eyes told me that when I said Wally passed away she was hearing those words again in a way no one will ever understand unless they have been there themselves.

The next day she brought me in a book, living when a loved one dies by Earl Grollman. She also included a journal and a very nice personal note.
I have to admit, I thought WOW, that was very nice of her BUT the book stayed neatly in the bag she brought it in and sat on my table for a week or more.
It was time to clean up some stuff around the house and the bag sitting there was "in the way" I took out the book with intentions of sticking it in a drawer but instead I opened it and read the first page. Then the second. Then the third and so on till I made it to the middle. At that point I had to stop reading, my eyes were red, swollen and soaked in tears. Every single word on every single page was what I am thinking and feeling but couldn't seem to verbalize.

One of the parts that struck me hard was when it said "you speak of the person you lost in the present tense". I didn't realize this was wrong, I do it ALL the time!! The next few days that followed I caught myself doing it a lot. If this is wrong, then it is what it is - I don't see myself not doing it for a very long time.

The feeling;s above are strong and hard, I cant stop them nor do I want to. That does not mean that mingled in with those feelings I don't have lots of others. Ones that PISS ME OFF - ones that make me want so badly for someone to make me feel wanted, needed and valuable.

This is not smart, I understand I have so much going on in my world that adding anything more then simplicity to my life is a bad idea but the truth is I don't know how much loneliness I can stand.

More to come from my messed up heart and mind soon, I hope .....